Well woofuckinghoo! The first time in forever that I have felt inspired, and I mean, like, really fucking inspired to write. Thank Goddess!!!! And you will never guess who it is that is inspiring me…yep, that dude who runs our country. I don’t really like to say his name, though I appreciate that that is kinda silly. Call me superstitious or…I don’t know. I personally feel that his being there is good for all of us as it stirs it all up and helps us to see what we need to see. That and I absolutely 100% trust in the absolute perfection of everything. It is no accident that we are where we are today and this is all part of our process. So it seems silly that I feel better not letting his name pass between my lips. Ah well, interesting creatures we are with very interesting ways about us. Despite my not offering any of my energy to his name though, apparently that does not stop him from entering my dreams. And extremely clearly and vividly. Strange!
A little herstory and context for you all: I have been looking forward to Mars going retrograde for some months now. I did a very powerful writing magick ritual that spanned the entirety of the Venus retrograde with amazing results – every morning I wrote about my vision for the future and all that was keeping me from living it and just going for it. It got into all sorts of fucked up and long-held, mostly unconscious belief systems, the majority of which stemmed from growing up in this patriarchal, capitalistic, Christian-based society that is America. I will not get too far into the weeds with that one right now, but suffice it to say that it was a very powerful practice and I feel I purged and released a ton of crap and really stepped much more fully into my Divine Feminine power through all of it. Thank you Venus! And thank you to my favorite astrologer, Dreamy, for recommending such a meaningful practice. Amazing! So, it was so powerful (I love using that word!) that I got excited to utilize the Mars retrograde period to take a serious deep dive into Divine Masculine energies and, even more importantly, the shadow side of Divine Masculine – how does it show up in me, where am I imbalanced, how has society contributed, how can I heal, what needs to be purged and released, what does Divine Masculine even look like, how can it express in me?
Mars, which is going retrograde in its home sign of Aries as of September 9, 2020, represents masculine energies, which are present in each and every one of us, to some extent or another. We are all made up of both feminine and masculine energies, regardless of which gender we choose to or choose not to express as. Because Mars is in its home sign, it is especially powerful and when it goes retrograde, it can be even more so for us – and the focus can be more internal when it is retrograde, hence my wanting to take advantage of this powerful energy to do some deep diving into how this energy expresses in me – and I realize that I am quite imbalanced and that I have plenty of unhealthy masculine to work with here. I don’t think it is easy to escape this conundrum growing up in the patriarchy. I have very much shut down my Divine Feminine and focused too heavily on masculine, as that is what is rewarded, supported, and encouraged in America – and the majority of the world. I often use the word society when I speak of the patriarchy, but it really is much of the world that is dominated by this patriarchal way of thinking and being.
So, last night, the eve of Mars going retrograde, I had a crazy vivid dream of hanging out with Dude Who Shall Remain Nameless, driving in his fancy car, feeling sleezy and manipulative, like I was just there to get something out of the situation – esteem, fame, money, attention, notoriety, something – and we ended up in a strip club and I was showing off that I was with this famous person and was thinking I was cool somehow and important, and then he was hitting on other women and I could tell just how unimportant I was and that I was nothing special and I was only wanted for one thing – and then he snuck out and ditched me and I was left feeling used and like an idiot. It was all very strange and so very vivid.
I woke up from all of that in a curious state contemplating what it all might mean and especially intrigued as this dude is the epitome of unhealthy masculine and the way I was showing up in the dream was a heck of a lot of my own unhealthy masculine and totally unhealthy feminine. It all felt very intentional as I was getting ready to embark on my Mars retrograde morning writing magick. No lack of material for my practice, that’s for sure!
So as I settled back into my bed to write, now with my morning green tea in hand, I started pondering on the dream and reflecting on possible interpretations. I mentioned in my first post, but don’t believe I’ve referred to it again since, that my current profession entails sex work. As such, given that the dream ended up at a strip club, I started looking at how unhealthy masculine and feminine show up in what I do for a living and how it can be manipulative, greedy, dishonest, disconnected, not heart-based, addictive, compulsive, a type of conquest, a way to fill the void, unconscious, etc. I question this sometimes and look at my motivations and my intentions – and sometimes I feel like my main motivating factor is money and that I am just in it for the money and that I am taking advantage of men and their need for connection. As I started going there this morning and wondering if I was just a horrible, greedy, manipulative person, I started thinking on it further. I very quickly started looking at how much thought and care I bring to my sessions and how much I actually offer my clients. At the same time, I continued to reflect on the fact that if I wasn’t getting paid, I would not be there – which very quickly led me contemplate others in helping or service-oriented professions: doctors, therapists, life-coaches, healers, etc. who are also supporting people and are being well-compensated for their time, skill, and expertise, with nobody questioning it or thinking it strange. We aren’t shaming them for charging money for their services and we certainly don’t expect them to offer them for free. My sessions can quite easily entail a bit of all of what they offer – health advice, life-coaching, therapy, connection, and mind-blowing pleasure, affection, and beauty on top of all of that! Not to mention the years of skill and expertise I bring to the table. Of course I should be well-compensated for what I am offering and I absolutely should not have any guilt or shame around that!
It quickly became apparent that that is part of the patriarchal bullshit that I’ve inherited and taken deeply into my mind and body (no pun intended!). I offer a beautiful, thoughtful and completely valid service that is much-needed by many people. There have been plenty of times in my career that I am fully onboard with this mentality and absolutely confident about what I do and what I offer. At other times, I let the patriarchy and societal norms creep in to make me feel less than and question what I am doing. It takes a great deal of work and consciousness to keep in alignment with the beauty and positivity of the service that I provide – and why I am so well compensated for it. And I feel worthy of that compensation!
I recently got married to the absolute love of my life (many lifetimes actually, but I won’t get into all of that right now!) and that has brought about some challenges in regard to what I do for a living. Up until a year ago, I was pretty much single so was free to live my life in way that didn’t need to align with somebody else’s life, their thoughts, feelings, emotions, experiences, etc. I don’t probably need to tell you that my current profession can be a bit of challenge to work with in a new relationship and a new marriage, given the overarching prevalence and belief system that monogamy is the desired way to be and the desired way to do relationship. We’ve all pretty fully embodied that unrealistic and debilitating beast. Despite desiring to feel differently, my husband has quite an issue with my spending time with other men. It has gotten much easier as we have gone along, but this shit runs deep and it just isn’t easy to change these long-held belief systems – and truth be told, he would really prefer not to have to. But he loves me and there is no doubt in the cosmos that we are supposed to be together, so this is what we are working with. This is a very rich and complex topic that I think would be best saved for a different post (or many different posts actually!), but I wanted to give a bit of context for the next thing I’m getting ready to explore.
I mentioned this patriarchal, Christian guilt and shame that I have embodied and work with very consistently and consciously (mostly) to varying degrees. Each time I feel I have hit a new level of understanding and healing and releasing, some new crap eventually surfaces that I get to start looking at and working with. That is what is happening right now. Over the past year, I have had a number of bouts with UTIs and yeast infections (the yeast infections are unusual for me) and have just come out the other side of another round of it. I had the immense pleasure of meeting with a psychic yesterday and it occurred to me to ask about it, as she was in direct communication with my guides and I was getting such excellent advice and feedback from them. What they said really quite shocked me, as it had nothing to do with the guilt and shame and punishment mentality that I struggle with from time to time – like are my yeast infections and UTIs punishment for what I’m doing, as we tend to take on this type of mentality from the religious patriarchy. But no, what they said was that the energy was not mine and that it carried over from my biological mother somehow and that there was a pattern to it and to look at what was going on for me when these flare up and to go back to my childhood.
As I’ve been thinking back on it and especially as it has flared up especially badly over the past year, I am feeling that it was guilt and shame that she carried with her and passed on to me in the womb. [Side note here: my biological mother put me up for adoption after trying to hide her pregnancy the whole way through so that her mother would not make her keep me.] So yeah, guilt and shame and worthiness. Definitely tied up in sexuality. I’m realizing, as I look back, that it is when I am not in alignment with my goodness and feeling confident about my career and am letting the societal norms creep in and tell me I am a bad person – that is when my UTIs and yeast infections creep in. They got horrible shortly after I met my husband as that was a real challenge for me and I seriously had to struggle to stand strong in my power and hold to my truth and what I know is right for me – that what I do for a profession is a beautiful, nourishing, enriching service that is much needed and is something I am very grateful to be able to offer people – and what’s more is that I very much enjoy what I do, which is also very hard for people to comprehend. Each time I have struggled over the past year is when this has felt challenged and when I have felt I had to defend myself and my truth – and when I felt guilty for enjoying myself. My body just shuts down and embodies this fucked up mentality of guilt and shame. I’m excited to continue to work with all of this and do some very conscious releasing of these energies via ritual and energy work – and I continue to work with the stones too which are amazing little allies! [see Gemstones for Healing post]
It has been so empowering to have all of these realizations and to see the patterns and become aware of what is happening at a much deeper level. Like seriously wow. Feels especially inspiring to share it with you all too. Loving this! And we are only one day into the Mars retrograde. Hell yeah! I knew this was going to be some powerful energy to work with. Definitely unpacking some unhealthy masculine patterns and behaviors!!!
Thank you for reading and for witnessing part of my journey. Feels so nice to share!
Love and light to you all! And do please share your comments if this has stirred anything up or inspired anything for you. Any plans for your own Mars retrograde magick?
Love ~ Saidi